Relationship Inventories

I first heard this term a few years ago while reading a breakup book whose name currently escapes me. Its not an uncommon to run across some variation on dating advice sites (such as this one) or other expert resources, and several noted psychologists and professionals have created formalized programs and systems to work through the process.

For those not familiar with the idea, a relationship inventory provides folks concerned about their love life with some clarity. It allows people to step back from a situation and review the strengths and weaknesses of a particular interaction using a series of thought-provoking questions. You can perform a relationship inventory on anyone you interact with, but for the intents of this site, we're talking about romantic partnerships here.

A reader wrote in the other day asking me if I felt a relationship inventory was necessary to move on from a prior relationship, and if she was cheating herself by avoiding the work. Weren't there other ways that she could work through the loss of her partner of two years?

I could have written the same email at a different point in my life, and I've fought doing the work of a relationship inventory in the past too - as have most of my clients in the midst of a breakup. It's not easy to be honest with ourselves and examine what went wrong in a relationship, nor is it simple determine what we're responsible for and what was the other person's deal. But analyze we must if we want clarity, peace and closure, because the only way we're going to get it is by giving it to ourselves.

So my answer was simple: Yes. Relationship inventories are important parts of the grieving and closure process, and you deserve to give yourself that gift.

What do you think? Have you ever done a relationship inventory? Would you? Why or why not? For those that did take one on, did it help? What did you do?

Related: Dealing with Unfinished Business, Kick Bad Love Habits After a Breakup.

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How Long Should I Wait for a Date?

Diane asks: "I have been chatting with this one guy for over two months now. I have hinted, and came straight out about meeting for a drink, and he always uses his sense of humor to get out of it. Should I keep chatting or just say later alligator? I even gave him my cell phone, and he does not call, but emails me everyday. Help?"

Diane, I'm really surprised that you've kept hanging on this long without a date, so let's come at this from a different perspective. If you meet a guy and you're interested in getting to know him better, can you think of any logical and reasonable reason why you'd put them off for two months?

Of course you couldn't, because you wouldn't. So why would you read into someone else's behavior any differently? Now, I wouldn't go and tell the guy something rude or upsetting like you've suggested. In fact, I suggest investing nothing else into this man. Don't chat with him, don't reply to his emails (set up a filter to throw them in the trash immediately if it helps), and don't spend one more second wondering why he won't go on a first date with you. Focus your energies elsewhere, and soon enough you'll meet a guy who is as eager and excited to meet the amazingness that is you, as you are him.

Related: He's Just Not That Into You, Is He Into You Quiz, Does He Like Me as a Friend or More?, Is He Still Interested?

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Why Won't He Date Me - Dating Question

Sandboxes asks, "I am 47, "Bob" is 39. We connected using 'Are You Interested' on Facebook and he added me as a friend. Then it turned out we have a mutual friend in his brother-in-law. I told Bob I am attracted to him and would like to meet for a coffee. Bob says he doesn't "see a match".

Two weeks ago Bob abruptly announced he just started dating someone and "it's serious". Despite this, Bob told me in the past he's too shy to approach women and he waits for them to ask him out. From what I can see of his profile, Bob is a serial dater and has children from two previous relationships. He just seems to be lost without a woman in his life and he frequently adds new women he meets on "Are You Interested".

My question: What is Bob's problem? I've told him I'm interested. He knows what I look like. He knows my background, schooling, etc. His brother-in-law has met me, knows my reputation, and in fact told me that Bob was talking about me at a family get-together recently. But Bob would rather date other women. Are all men this confusing, with mixed messages and rules that only they know?"

Sandboxes, I'm going to be blunt: Bob doesn't have a problem. You do. Why are you investing so much time and energy into a man who, by your own admission, isn't dateable nor interested? He made it clear from the start when you asked him out that he didn't see a match. How is that playing by dating rules only he knows? Sure, the rejection hurts. Yet he was honest, and I've lost count of the women who have told me throughout the years, "Why couldn't he just tell me he wasn't interested?"

Well, Bob did, but you didn't want to hear it. So what's a guy supposed to do? He's in a serious relationship now. Leave him alone, stop using Facebook to check his status, and stop analyzing why he's doing whatever he's doing. In Getting Past Your Breakup, Susan J. Elliot wisely suggests that each time you think of an ex (in this case, a man you're attached to that hasn't reciprocated) you say to yourself, "It doesn't matter, it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter." Because really, he doesn't matter. You do.

Its time to start prioritizing your needs, not some man's that you barely know. Break your bad love habits, and find some new ways to feel good. After a few weeks, you'll forget completely about Bob and will have a better relationship with yourself to offer someone new.

Related: Relationship Expectations, Am I Ready To Date Again?, Dealing with Unfinished Business, When Not To Date.

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The Disappearing Date

We've all had it happen: you go out on a date with someone, things go exceptionally well, and then you never hear from them again.

What went wrong? Depending on how you view the world (and the date), it could go a few different ways: Maybe he/she got into a car accident on the way home? I should send them an email to make sure all is well. Wow, I really liked him/her. I can't wait to talk to them again! Hm, its been three days? I should check their Facebook status and see what's going on.I can't believe he/she didn't get in touch with me yet. I sent them lots of emails/called several times/stopped by their work. Why are they ignoring me? Maybe I'll send another email just to be sure they got the other ones.Ah, it happens. Maybe they were just grinning and bearing it and I was too focused on myself to notice.Hm. They weren't interested? Surprising, they seemed really into me at the time. Ah well, maybe there's something else going on that I don't know about.Thanks for sparing me the heartache and time, wondering what if? Now I know, and I can invest my time in other folks who are either really are into me, or who are more polite to let me know they aren't interested.

Of course, there are other possible variations - as many as there are people. So, you tell me. What's a *good* reason for disappearing after a date? When is it okay? And in turn, when is it not? Has someone ever disappeared after a date with you? What happened, and why do you think it went down that way?

Related: Bad Date Stories, Why Are They Online If They Don't Want To Date?, Why Won't He Date Me?, When He Says He Doesn't Want a Relationship,

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Why Are They Online If They Don't Want To Date?

In the dating forums, a reader asks: "Why is it that when i eamil women onlie,most don't even give me the courtesy of a "no,thanks?"I've emailed or winked at hundreds of women,but hardly anyone responds.I compliment them and tell them that i'd like to get to know them better.

Nothing... what is with these ladies?why are they online if they don't want to date?"

Its not that we don't want to date. Its probably one of several reasons: The dating site you're on doesn't purge their database regularly, so folks could be long gone and you'll never know (this is most of the major dating sites BTW);
The profiles are merely dummy profiles, i.e. dating scammers or smaller sites trying to pump up their numbers;
The women are overwhelmed with responses and can't reply to everyone. When I first signed onto a dating site, I received no less than 100 people contacting me a DAY. There was no way I could say, "Thanks but no thanks," to everyone;
Keeping the last one in mind, when there are a lot of people contacting a woman, they have to use some sort of method to weed folks out easily. Spelling, grammar or typing mistakes are usually the first things they notice, and thus, rarely get a response.
Another way of weeding out lots of online suitors is to see if the person has really taken the time to look at their profile and reply with something that seems genuine and interested. If all you're doing is copying and pasting the same, "Hey, you seem cool, wanna talk?" to all of the women you are contacting, then you're unlikely to get a response.

Several dating sites have posted their reply rates, meaning, how often people receive a reply to their first email. 1-3% is normal, anything more than 5% is excellent. Sad, I know - but if you really hear what I'm saying, you can easily increase your response rates by really reading someone's profile, commenting or joking about something they've mentioned, and making the email personal. I'd also take a look at your dating profile, as there may be something in it that's turning women off from replying to you.

Related: Why Am I Not Getting Responses To My Dating Profile?, Dating Profile Don'ts, How To Write a Dating Profile.

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New Dating Sites

Every week, dating site owners submit their dating sites to our database. Here's this week's roundup.

Mystical Matches
Free online dating site.

OrientBrides
Introduction service for oriental women and the men who'd like to marry them.

Africabeauties
Introduction service for American men looking to meet African women.

MyOneNight Stand.co.uk
Free adult dating service.

Set For Marriage
Online matrimonial site with matchmaking questionnaire.

Agence Rencontre Celibataire
Free French language dating site.

Have you used one of these dating sites? Then review it! Reader dating site reviews.

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Do I Need To Tweak My Dating Profile To Meet Women?

I had an interesting conversation with a man the other day, who asked me why he was struggling so much to meet women. He's using (among other sites) OkCupid to find a match, and he was frustrated in his high Enemy rating of 40%+ with most of the women on the site. For those who aren't familiar, OkCupid is primarily a quiz-based or matchmaking dating site, where users can create their own compatibility questions, and other users take them. Each profile has a Match, Friend and Enemy rating that is compared with other users to show (supposedly) how well they'd get along. The more questions you answer, I find, the more accurate the matching mechanisms.

So this gent had an issue. His Enemy rating was uncharacteristically high, and he still wanted to meet a woman to date. Honestly, truly, really, just date. Not friends with benefits, but no sort of serious commitment either; he's just starting his own business and can't invest what he feels is the necessary time required into anything else at the moment. Casual dating was the term he used, and I understood his definition of it.

I looked at said gent's dating profile, and immediately noticed that there were two aspects that seemed skewed: his religious beliefs and his sexual needs. Both showed him as being very conservative, even though nothing on his profile foretold a glimmer of either. In fact, after speaking with him at length I found the man to be open-minded, intelligent, engaging, and a big flirt -- not at all what I'd expect from someone who (a) wanted to date casually, and (b) considered himself to be "Mr. Vanilla".

Next, I ventured more into why he didn't feel his compatibility questions matched who he truly is. His explanation:

"I socialize with very few people from my religion. Most of my close friends - not associates, but closest kin - are not of my faith. I am only tight with a handful from my faith. I prefer choosing my companions based on intelligence, wit, humor and integrity. With sex, well I know that I am Mr. Vanilla, the boring guy, yet none of my player bros ever held that against me, neither do my gay buds, bisexual friends, nor lesbian comrades. Sure I don't fit in with the same sexual vibe, but none of that has ever meant anything with how we hung out."

Which for me, explained everything; the questions on OkCupid didn't adequately measure his tolerance for other folks and their beliefs/opinions/experiences, but rather, merely how he feel at the time he answered them. Not wanting a commitment may also be a large factor as well; most of the women I speak with that use online dating sites are looking for one.

I also believe that sexual preferences/needs/desires are a huge factor in compatibility, so again, this may be why his numbers are skewed in that direction. OkCupid is a dating site, and therefore, sex would rate higher (for most women) than it would if it were a friends-only zone. For those that are looking just for friends with benefits? Well, I'd hazard that the sexual compatibilities would be even more important.

Maybe success in meeting women will require a shift in thinking for him then. Maybe saying, "No commitments for me right now," is too black and white. More of a, "I've got a lot on my plate and don't have a lot of time for a normal relationship, but it is my ultimate goal at some point. Yet if I meet someone amazing, I'm sure I could find room for her in my life," would be more fitting -- because if a woman is to be a potential life partner, then it would only stand to reason that she'd understand, accept and even embrace his dreams, goals and aspirations as they stand.

What do you think? Is there some more tweaking this gentleman should do, or is he on the right track? Have you ever been in a similar position? How did you handle it?

Related: Why Am I Not Getting Responses To My Dating Profile?, Free Dating Profile Help, Online Dating How To.

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Would You Tweet a Flirt?

I'm catching up a bit this week with some older dating news, looking at what's new and unique in the dating world. One of the ideas that caught my attention is a Canadian-based service called Flitter, run by speed dating company Fast Life. A play on words (flirt and Twitter), singles attend an in-person event where they wear a number prominently and send Twitter-like messages via cell phone to a large screen in the middle of the meeting place for all to see. Messages are sent anonymously or with the sender's number attached.

I can't seem to find a website for the company, nor can I locate any events past February-ish of this year. Still, for the tech-savvy singles market, it might provide a unique way to break the ice -- although I could see it going both ways depending on how eagerly the attendees embrace the concept.

What do you think? Would you attend a Flitter event to meet someone? Why or why not?

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Reader Dating Stories - What's New

A roundup of this week's reader stories:

Definition of Pansexuality shared by Pantard (Share Your Definition of Pansexuality)
"To me, its about feelings."

Flirty Text Messages shared by ohhhhhboy (Share Your Best Flirty Text Messages)
"By special do you mean beautiful?"

How I Knew I Was In Love shared by Deanna (Share Your Falling in Love Story)
"He told me that everything he wished for he had right in his arms."

Flirty Text Messages shared by Amelia (Share Your Best Flirty Text Messages)
"Your tongue tastes like the sweetest and ripest strawberries..."

... and a few reader reviews:

Ashley Madison Review shared by Terry (Write a Review of Ashley Madison)
"With over 65 messages sent you think you would get quite a few negative replies out of pure courtesy and good manners. But not one..."

KissCafe Review shared by Armanali (Write a Review of Kiss Cafe)
"Its good site...and best thing about it its free."

Ashley Madison Review shared by Straightuphard (Write a Review of Ashley Madison)
"Consider it a bad internet strip club..."

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Dating Question About Trust in New Relationships

Tina asks: "A guy I've been dating has just told me he loves me (3 days ago). Today I get a call asking if I know about computers. I called back and said no, not really. He tells me his computer is not working, someone in has "hacked" it and I was the only person in the house! I told him I would never do that. He won't believe me."

Thanks for your dating question Tina. It's simple but a good one, because it covers how much you can trust someone early on in a relationship - a concern that comes up often with readers just like you.

First, some basic information. A person does not need to be in your house to hack a computer. It's much more common for hackers to target folks through the internet, and that's not even touching upon the rampant viruses, trojans and other nasties one can attract just by surfing the web or clicking on a link. Accusing you of hacking seems odd, and tells me that your partner doesn't know a lot about how these sorts of things work. About.com's Guide to the Net for Beginners has a huge category devoted to such information and discussions: Viruses, Spyware, Hacking, Scams and Identity Theft and an excellent article on the topic called, "Help! I Think I've Been Hacked!"

Now, you can't change your partner's behavior or how he reacts to his computer falling prey to a hacker. If he doesn't believe you, there isn't much you can do to convince him.

It's time for you to review your relationship. Just because the man said he loves you doesn't mean that he trusts you (unfortunately) - and his actions are saying either he doesn't trust you, is paranoid, or both. A loving partner might get upset considering the circumstances, and they may even get mad at you and accuse you - but love means listening to your partner and hearing what they are saying. Most reasonable folks, after calming down a bit, would realize their accusation unwarranted and apologize. From the sounds of it your partner isn't.

You need to ask yourself some difficult questions now, ones that involve how you feel and what you want. Do you want to be with someone who automatically assumes you want to do harm to him? Can you continue a relationship with a person that doesn't trust or believe you? If he doesn't trust you now - three days after professing his love for you - when will he? Can he? Is this trust issue really about you, or are the walls finally coming down and his true self shining through?

I can't answer these questions for you because I don't have enough information - but you must. Convincing your partner that you're trustworthy isn't the answer here, but rather focusing on yourself and your needs, and whether or not your guy is the guy to provide them.

What say you dear readers? What would you do in this situation? Do you have a suggestion for Tina?

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Reader Dating Stories - What's New

A roundup of this week's reader stories:

Definition of Pansexuality shared by Pantard (Share Your Definition of Pansexuality)
"To me, its about feelings."

Flirty Text Messages shared by ohhhhhboy (Share Your Best Flirty Text Messages)
"By special do you mean beautiful?"

How I Knew I Was In Love shared by Deanna (Share Your Falling in Love Story)
"He told me that everything he wished for he had right in his arms."

Flirty Text Messages shared by Amelia (Share Your Best Flirty Text Messages)
"Your tongue tastes like the sweetest and ripest strawberries..."

... and a few reader reviews:

Ashley Madison Review shared by Terry (Write a Review of Ashley Madison)
"With over 65 messages sent you think you would get quite a few negative replies out of pure courtesy and good manners. But not one..."

KissCafe Review shared by Armanali (Write a Review of Kiss Cafe)
"Its good site...and best thing about it its free."

Ashley Madison Review shared by Straightuphard (Write a Review of Ashley Madison)
"Consider it a bad internet strip club..."

View the original article here

My 'Perfect Guy' Wants Someone Else Dating Question

Kristen asks: "For the past month I've been dating the perfect guy for me (who also happens to be my ex boyfriends friend...). Well he just told me he can't see me anymore because within the past week he has started talking to his ex fiance again! They've been broken up for 3 years and during that time she has been nothing but malicious towards him and done whatever she could to spite him! I don't understand why this is happening now?! He tells me how much he likes me, but that he's already been through everything with her! I want to know from your past experience, does getting back together with an ex work? Do I still have a chance with this guy?"

I've answered Kristen's question (see: My Perfect Guy Wants Someone Else), but I'm curious as to what you all think. Is there a chance of Kristen and her boyfriend getting back together, or is she better off on her own?

Related: Why Won't He Be My Boyfriend?, Is He Afraid of Commitment?, Getting Back Together With an Ex.

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Reader Stories - What's New

Here's a roundup of this week's reader stories:

Jenny's Love Story (Share Your Love Story)
"Talking to someone on the phone for over 8 years can help you to really know them at such a deep level."

Why a Good Dating Picture Matters shared by TheOnlineDater (Share Your Bad Date Story)
"He seemed well written - well spoken and had kind of an artsy picture of himself taken under the Manhattan bridge. The trick was in the 'artsy" part."

Long Distance Relationship Tip shared by Monica (Share Your Long Distance Relationship Tips)
"Every week, I make my boyfriend 3 x 2 artist trading card with some memento from our relationship."

Flirty Text Message shared by Morgan (Share Your Flirty Text Message Ideas)
"You look a lot like my first husband..."

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