I had an interesting conversation with a man the other day, who asked me why he was struggling so much to meet women. He's using (among other sites) OkCupid to find a match, and he was frustrated in his high Enemy rating of 40%+ with most of the women on the site. For those who aren't familiar, OkCupid is primarily a quiz-based or matchmaking dating site, where users can create their own compatibility questions, and other users take them. Each profile has a Match, Friend and Enemy rating that is compared with other users to show (supposedly) how well they'd get along. The more questions you answer, I find, the more accurate the matching mechanisms.
So this gent had an issue. His Enemy rating was uncharacteristically high, and he still wanted to meet a woman to date. Honestly, truly, really, just date. Not friends with benefits, but no sort of serious commitment either; he's just starting his own business and can't invest what he feels is the necessary time required into anything else at the moment. Casual dating was the term he used, and I understood his definition of it.
I looked at said gent's dating profile, and immediately noticed that there were two aspects that seemed skewed: his religious beliefs and his sexual needs. Both showed him as being very conservative, even though nothing on his profile foretold a glimmer of either. In fact, after speaking with him at length I found the man to be open-minded, intelligent, engaging, and a big flirt -- not at all what I'd expect from someone who (a) wanted to date casually, and (b) considered himself to be "Mr. Vanilla".
Next, I ventured more into why he didn't feel his compatibility questions matched who he truly is. His explanation:
"I socialize with very few people from my religion. Most of my close friends - not associates, but closest kin - are not of my faith. I am only tight with a handful from my faith. I prefer choosing my companions based on intelligence, wit, humor and integrity. With sex, well I know that I am Mr. Vanilla, the boring guy, yet none of my player bros ever held that against me, neither do my gay buds, bisexual friends, nor lesbian comrades. Sure I don't fit in with the same sexual vibe, but none of that has ever meant anything with how we hung out."
Which for me, explained everything; the questions on OkCupid didn't adequately measure his tolerance for other folks and their beliefs/opinions/experiences, but rather, merely how he feel at the time he answered them. Not wanting a commitment may also be a large factor as well; most of the women I speak with that use online dating sites are looking for one.
I also believe that sexual preferences/needs/desires are a huge factor in compatibility, so again, this may be why his numbers are skewed in that direction. OkCupid is a dating site, and therefore, sex would rate higher (for most women) than it would if it were a friends-only zone. For those that are looking just for friends with benefits? Well, I'd hazard that the sexual compatibilities would be even more important.
Maybe success in meeting women will require a shift in thinking for him then. Maybe saying, "No commitments for me right now," is too black and white. More of a, "I've got a lot on my plate and don't have a lot of time for a normal relationship, but it is my ultimate goal at some point. Yet if I meet someone amazing, I'm sure I could find room for her in my life," would be more fitting -- because if a woman is to be a potential life partner, then it would only stand to reason that she'd understand, accept and even embrace his dreams, goals and aspirations as they stand.
What do you think? Is there some more tweaking this gentleman should do, or is he on the right track? Have you ever been in a similar position? How did you handle it?
Related: Why Am I Not Getting Responses To My Dating Profile?, Free Dating Profile Help, Online Dating How To.
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