Halloween Dating

I love Halloween and look forward to it every year. An excuse to dress up and act silly, with a built-in reason to talk to strangers? (i.e. asking someone about their costume) In my mind, it doesn't get much more exciting than that.

Still, it can be a bit stressful to either come up with a unique and fun Halloween date idea or a costume that's appropriate for the two of you [See: Halloween Costume Ideas for Couples]. And what about those of us singles on the hunt for someone interesting? Attracting attention is the first step in the five phases of courtship.

So even though you've got just under two weeks to go, it's time to start thinking about what you'll be doing this Halloween either solo or with your sweetie. What's your plan?

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Is Dating an Admitted Alcoholic a Good Idea?

Lindsay asks: "I just met this guy who seems perfect on paper. Four dates into what seemed like a fairytale and he told me that he's a recovering alcoholic. He goes to AA meetings every week and says he hasn't had a drop to drink in three years. I don't want to throw something amazing away... he really does seem perfect. But I'm not sure I want to get involved with an alcoholic even if he's admitted it. Help?"

In a nutshell: I think it depends on your situation. Notice I say your situation and not the man you're dating. Why? Because the only person you can control or change is you. I don't know your history, nor am I aware if you or another family member has ever struggled with an addiction. But many, many folks who were raised in families where alcohol was a problem find that they are attracted to alcoholics in their romantic relationships. Or, they attract people where alcohol (or drugs, abuse, narcotics) are issues. Now this isn't always the case, and I'm also not saying that any of this is your fault. Its not. But it is something to be think about, be aware of, and act upon if its a theme in your life.

Dating someone with any sort of illness isn't easy, but the first step is the same: educate yourself. Learn everything you can, see how your date's alcoholism may affect you, and seek out preemptive support for when it does. Give it a few weeks or even months to make a decision to determine if dating an alcoholic is something you can do, or if its a deal breaker for you.

What say you, dear readers? Would you date an alcoholic? Have you? Are you an alcoholic? What factors should Lindsay take into account, and what do you recommend?

Related: Why Do I Need Help? He's the Alcoholic!, Al-Anon, Detachment.

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Unfriending the Ex

Essence Magazine recently ran a story about 'unfriending' the ex on Facebook - but the suggestion is easily made for all social networking sites - suggesting that after a breakup, there's no reason to stay in touch with your ex. (See Digital Dating: 10 Reasons to Un-Friend the Ex)

The articles focuses (in my opinion) on younger women struggling with their breakups, and uses words like 'stalking' and 'stupid' - neither of which I find terribly helpful. Still, the the piece has some merits, most notably the idea that when a relationship ends its time to sever all ties, including the virtual ones.

Why? Think about it for a bit. How often do you check your ex's status, updates, new friends and/or photos? How much energy are you still investing into the relationship by staying 'friends' online? How can you possibly move on, when you're reminded regularly of what he or she is doing now, who they are with, if they are dating already, or any other situation that can potentially send you for a tailspin?

Read over that last paragraph again, and note how much of the focus is on your ex and not on you. It may take a few reminders, but let's say this all together: the most important person in your life is you. Its time to take those words to heart and live your life with that idea in mind.

Therefore, unfriending the ex is a good thing because it gives you that time and energy back to focus on your own needs and wants. As Susan Elliot shared on her Getting Past Your Past blog just the other day, "...the ex's behavior DOES NOT MATTER. What they're thinking, or doing, or who they are with or not with... DOES NOT MATTER. In the end it doesn't because you can't change it." (See Pick Your Poison for more). Ms. Elliot, as I find with most of what she's written, is bang on. Sever the ties, and stop investing the energy.

I read somewhere not that long ago that we get over our breakups when we invest the energy we used to spend on the former relationship into new and exciting things. Things that are just for us and no one else, things, that support and nurture us, things that make us laugh and interact with new people. So I urge all of you looking for a reason to unfriend the ex to just do it, and then invest all of that time you'd have spent otherwise seeing what he or she is up to into something new, exciting and utterly fantastic that's just for you.

Related: Does Facebook Create Jealous People?, Feel Good After a Breakup, How I Got Over a Bad Breakup.

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Reader Dating Stories - What's New

A roundup of this week's reader stories:

Definition of Pansexuality shared by Pantard (Share Your Definition of Pansexuality)
"To me, its about feelings."

Flirty Text Messages shared by ohhhhhboy (Share Your Best Flirty Text Messages)
"By special do you mean beautiful?"

How I Knew I Was In Love shared by Deanna (Share Your Falling in Love Story)
"He told me that everything he wished for he had right in his arms."

Flirty Text Messages shared by Amelia (Share Your Best Flirty Text Messages)
"Your tongue tastes like the sweetest and ripest strawberries..."

... and a few reader reviews:

Ashley Madison Review shared by Terry (Write a Review of Ashley Madison)
"With over 65 messages sent you think you would get quite a few negative replies out of pure courtesy and good manners. But not one..."

KissCafe Review shared by Armanali (Write a Review of Kiss Cafe)
"Its good site...and best thing about it its free."

Ashley Madison Review shared by Straightuphard (Write a Review of Ashley Madison)
"Consider it a bad internet strip club..."

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Are There Any Legitimate Adult Dating Sites Out There?

Stephen asks: "I am trying to find a 'real' adult dating site. It seems all that I have come across do not have real/true information... as if it has been hyped to get you to join. Amateur Match is one for sure. The people on there either do not exist or are trumped up. I sent the company an email to complain, but they didn't reply. And when I clicked on a picture, the city and/or state changed to someplace nearby... what a scam. There has to be a legitimate adult dating site out there. Help?"

Hi Stephen, and thanks to my colleague Cory Silverberg (About.com's Guide to Sexuality) for sending you my way. To answer your question: it depends on what you mean by legitimate. Are you looking for an adult dating site that caters to adult encounters or casual sex, that isn't full of scammers or fake profiles? If that's the case, I'll admit its pretty hard to find. My first recommendation would be to try Lavalife's Intimate Encounters section; you sign up with them and then decide which of the three sections you want to be a part of (Dating, Relationships or Intimate Encounters). You can use different handles in each section under the same account too, so no one will be any wiser if you want to advertise for one thing in one place without ruining your chances for something more should it come up.

Its pretty hard for any site these days (especially the big ones) to stop fake profiles and scammers from signing up, but I think I get what you're after. There are a lot of adult dating sites that don't have a lot of users, or use sneaky marketing tactics like the bait and switch you're referring to. We've all seen them - the ads show a bevvy of beautiful women in your area, but when you sign up, you realize that the women were just ads that were geographically targeted to your search preferences.

After Lavalife, I only know of four others that are worth mentioning: Club Intimate, Fling, Adult Match Doctor and Sexy Ads. The last one I haven't actually reviewed fully, but the site owners took the time to add a profile on this site. Adult dating sites I don't recommend? ShagPal and Adult Friend Finder.

So dear readers: have you used an adult dating site that you can recommend, or want to warn other users about? Here's the form to fill out for either situation.

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Using Craigslist To Meet People

I've used online dating services almost since their inception when I've been single and wanted to meet someone. I started as a geeky girl in demand when there were few of us online, and from that a sort of elitist mentally spawned: online dating sites were fine, but I drew the line at the classifieds and chat rooms. For many years I've clung to this unspoken yet firmly entrenched rule of mine, and many of my friends have as well. Clients that have used Craigslist to meet people were few and far between, so I wasn't asked for advice on the subject often.

Fast forward to a few days ago, when I realized I've been single for some time and would like to start dating again. How should I meet people that I could potentially date? Sure, I can review my own list of places to meet people (and did), but I wanted to try something different. Something I'd never done before, something that might help me encounter folks I wouldn't meet otherwise, something totally out of character. A girlfriend of mine suggested Craigslist. My first reaction was to laugh, and then... well why not?

I wrote up a short blurb explaining where I was at and what I was looking for, as well as what I have to offer someone else. A quick proofread and a few mouse clicks later, my Craigslist ad was live. Would anyone reply? Would people make fun of me? How many inappropriate photos would I get? Would safe dating be an issue?

It didn't take long for the first people to answer, and I was surprised with their candor and intelligence. Yes, I did receive a few undesirable responses (which were immediately put in my spam folder so I never heard from them again), and a dating scam offer or two. Many were considerably older than what I'd expressly stated a preference for, and some were honest with their want for casual dating only. One gent sent a nasty note when I didn't reply in a timely manner, and one email was from a good friend (we shared a few laughs over that one).

All in all though, the experience was better than I'd hoped for. Its success is still pending, but if meeting new people was my only goal, Craigslist provided me with more positive interactions and opportunities than any online dating site has in years. If things don't work out with any of the Craigslist folks, maybe I'll try something even more out of my comfort zone in a few weeks' time.

But what about you? Have you used Craigslist to meet people? Why or why not? Are you concerned about safety, who will contact you, privacy or how it will come across to your friends/family?

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New Dating Sites for the Week of July 7th, 2010

Every week, dating site owners submit their dating sites to our database. Here's this week's roundup.

FleshPimp
Free adult dating site.

Interracial Socializing
Pay-per-use dating site focusing on singles wanting a relationship with someone of a different race.

Limenice
Bulgarian-language dating site, soon to be an international dating site.

Millionaire Cougar
Niche dating site specializing in rich women who like younger men, or rich men wanting younger women.

Amolatina
International dating site focusing on Latin singles.

Positive Dating Personals
For singles with a sexually transmitted disease, or those who don't mind dating someone who has one.

FussyOnes
Totally free dating site.

Ukrainian Brides
Matrimonial dating site for primarily men wanting to marry a Ukrainian woman.

Hit This Now Network
What looks to be an adult dating site with a strong social networking twist.

Military Hotspot
Niche dating site specializing in members of the military and the folks who want to meet them for a date.

Have you used one of these dating sites? Then review it! Reader dating site reviews.

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October One of Busiest Months for Dating

... or at least, according to Opposites Connect CEO, Larry Wilson. A recent email from one of his staff shared:

"Maybe it's because the holiday season is approaching and mistletoe is looking grimmer than ever. Truth is, the Winter season online dating sees a spike in first dates because bad weather motivates singles to get out of the house in the evening time."

I'm not sure if I agree with this statement, and thus why I'm sharing it with all of you. Yes, online dating sites do see a spike in October, although January and February are the hottest of the hot spots. October, to me, is the month to meet folks because of Halloween and all of its costumed festivities - a built-in ice breaker for even the most shy amongst us. And yes, many singles aren't fond of navigating the holidays without a partner in tow, so the increase makes double sense. But the weather? That's not something I've considered.

What do you think readers? Why do dating sites see increases in their user base in October? Why do you think October is one of the busiest months for dating?

Related: Halloween Costumes for Singles, Couples Halloween Costumes.

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Are You in a Healthy Relationship?

Some days, I get a kick out of how many dating questions revolve around whether or not a relationship is viable, healthy or just plain wrong. Others, like the day when I created the Healthy Relationship Quiz, I wonder how many of us actually know what a healthy relationship is, what it looks like in reality, and how to tell when we're in the thick of it.

On paper its easy to tell: healthy means mutual respect, love and caring without abuse, codependency or drama. But we're all human, and sometimes its a tad difficult to tell the difference between being worked on and red flag territory.

So what's your definition of a healthy relationship? What muddies the waters for you, if anything?

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Dating Reality Shows - Would You Go On One To Meet Someone?

Other than my fascination with Dating in the Dark, I've pretty much avoided dating reality shows. I'm aware that there are a slew to choose from (Momma's Boys, The Bachelor, Farmer Wants a Wife), but beyond that I rarely follow what's going on.

Yet today a news piece caught my eye about the most recent Bachelor couple, Jake Pavelka and Vienna Girardi. Their three month long courtship ended and the breakup just announced a few days ago, and now the ex's are slated to be on one more Bachelor episode. Which lead me to think: how many dating reality show couples actually make it to a long term relationship or marriage?

I could only find a select few that were still together six months to a year after their shows aired, although surprisingly, the data was really hard to come by either way. Still, dating reality shows are big business, and they don't seem to be slowing down in terms of numbers, viewership, or new ideas slated for airing.

So then let me ask you, dear readers: would you go on a dating reality show to meet new people? Why or why not? Would it depend on the type of show - guaranteed to meet someone like Elimidate, or fend for yourself like Flavor of Love? Do you think lasting, true love is possible if the beginnings of the relationship started in front of an audience?

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The Busiest Online Dating Cities This Summer...

... according to Match.com that is. I received a note from their PR folks the other day, showing some stats about which US cities were heating up their system via winks, emails and chats for the past few months. They are: Miami, FLNew York, NYLos Angeles, CAChicago, ILWashington, DCDallas, TXSan Diego, CAPhoenix, AZBoston, MAHouston, TX

Do you live in one of these cities, and have you noticed more singles online and making contact this summer? Or do you disagree with this list, and feel that other locations were overlooked and deserve closer review?

Related: Projected Online Dating Growth to 2012, Top US City for Being Single in 2009.

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What To Do When an Ex Comes Back?

You broke up. Years passed, and both of you moved on. Occasionally a reminder pops up of the time spent together, but for the most part there's no contact.

Then, one day out of the blue, the ex says hi. Maybe you ran into each other on the street, he found you on Facebook, she sent you an email. They ask, "How are you doing?" and, "Maybe we could catch up sometime."

For many, fear sets in. Do I want to see this person? What could they possibly want? Is a reconciliation possible? Are they getting married? Do I really want to bring all those old feelings, memories, back up again?

It's a tough decision to meet with an ex, depending on how the relationship ended and how much time has passed since its demise. I've heard all sorts of stories: High school sweethearts that haven't seen each other in 30 years, who meet again at a reunion and by the time dessert is served have already chosen their wedding date;A couple breaks up because one has to move far away, just to find themselves next door neighbors in a completely different town four years later;Two people share one great date but circumstances don't allow for another. Seven years later, one contacts the other on Facebook, asking for meet up number two.

When readers and clients ask me if they should either contact an ex or reply to contact from an ex, my answer depends on the nature of the relationship and how much time has elapsed. But the stories above prove that sometimes, the rules aren't worth following and connection has its own time line. So what do you think? If an ex contacted you, would you reply? Is there an ex that you want to make contact with again? If you've had an ex contact you, or if you've already done the contacting, how did it go?

Related: Getting Back Together With an Ex, How To Get Your Ex Lover Back Book Review, Does She Miss Me After the Breakup?

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When Life Decides the 'Should I Get Married?' Question

To me, dating is about getting to know someone to see if you're compatible for a longer term relationship (see The Definition of Dating for more). So it would make sense that eventually, dating couples would either take their relationship to the next level or end it.

In today's society however dating couples are the norm, not the exception. Most folks living together are doing so out of wedlock (according to stats from several North American countries), and our definition of what a relationship is has changed dramatically.

Still, folks are getting engaged and subsequently marrying - and sometimes, that choice comes when life throws a wrench into your plans.

I've been watching the news obsessively about the trapped Chilean miners, and have watched the footage of them slowly being raised to the earth's surface one by one. I'm moved to tears constantly and inspired by their bravery and zest for life. Two of the miners caught my attention more so than others: Esteban Rojas and Claudio Yanez. Why? Because both men were content with their unusually long term dating relationships before their ordeal (25 years and 11 years respectively), and both proposed to their girlfriends upon rescue.

I don't wish the Chilean miner's situation upon anyone, but I do wonder: if all of us were placed in a similar position tomorrow, would we change our dating relationships?

Related: First of the Trapped Miners in Chile Brought to Surface, Should I Take This Relationship To the Next Level or End It?

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Relationship Inventories

I first heard this term a few years ago while reading a breakup book whose name currently escapes me. Its not an uncommon to run across some variation on dating advice sites (such as this one) or other expert resources, and several noted psychologists and professionals have created formalized programs and systems to work through the process.

For those not familiar with the idea, a relationship inventory provides folks concerned about their love life with some clarity. It allows people to step back from a situation and review the strengths and weaknesses of a particular interaction using a series of thought-provoking questions. You can perform a relationship inventory on anyone you interact with, but for the intents of this site, we're talking about romantic partnerships here.

A reader wrote in the other day asking me if I felt a relationship inventory was necessary to move on from a prior relationship, and if she was cheating herself by avoiding the work. Weren't there other ways that she could work through the loss of her partner of two years?

I could have written the same email at a different point in my life, and I've fought doing the work of a relationship inventory in the past too - as have most of my clients in the midst of a breakup. It's not easy to be honest with ourselves and examine what went wrong in a relationship, nor is it simple determine what we're responsible for and what was the other person's deal. But analyze we must if we want clarity, peace and closure, because the only way we're going to get it is by giving it to ourselves.

So my answer was simple: Yes. Relationship inventories are important parts of the grieving and closure process, and you deserve to give yourself that gift.

What do you think? Have you ever done a relationship inventory? Would you? Why or why not? For those that did take one on, did it help? What did you do?

Related: Dealing with Unfinished Business, Kick Bad Love Habits After a Breakup.

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How Long Should I Wait for a Date?

Diane asks: "I have been chatting with this one guy for over two months now. I have hinted, and came straight out about meeting for a drink, and he always uses his sense of humor to get out of it. Should I keep chatting or just say later alligator? I even gave him my cell phone, and he does not call, but emails me everyday. Help?"

Diane, I'm really surprised that you've kept hanging on this long without a date, so let's come at this from a different perspective. If you meet a guy and you're interested in getting to know him better, can you think of any logical and reasonable reason why you'd put them off for two months?

Of course you couldn't, because you wouldn't. So why would you read into someone else's behavior any differently? Now, I wouldn't go and tell the guy something rude or upsetting like you've suggested. In fact, I suggest investing nothing else into this man. Don't chat with him, don't reply to his emails (set up a filter to throw them in the trash immediately if it helps), and don't spend one more second wondering why he won't go on a first date with you. Focus your energies elsewhere, and soon enough you'll meet a guy who is as eager and excited to meet the amazingness that is you, as you are him.

Related: He's Just Not That Into You, Is He Into You Quiz, Does He Like Me as a Friend or More?, Is He Still Interested?

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Why Won't He Date Me - Dating Question

Sandboxes asks, "I am 47, "Bob" is 39. We connected using 'Are You Interested' on Facebook and he added me as a friend. Then it turned out we have a mutual friend in his brother-in-law. I told Bob I am attracted to him and would like to meet for a coffee. Bob says he doesn't "see a match".

Two weeks ago Bob abruptly announced he just started dating someone and "it's serious". Despite this, Bob told me in the past he's too shy to approach women and he waits for them to ask him out. From what I can see of his profile, Bob is a serial dater and has children from two previous relationships. He just seems to be lost without a woman in his life and he frequently adds new women he meets on "Are You Interested".

My question: What is Bob's problem? I've told him I'm interested. He knows what I look like. He knows my background, schooling, etc. His brother-in-law has met me, knows my reputation, and in fact told me that Bob was talking about me at a family get-together recently. But Bob would rather date other women. Are all men this confusing, with mixed messages and rules that only they know?"

Sandboxes, I'm going to be blunt: Bob doesn't have a problem. You do. Why are you investing so much time and energy into a man who, by your own admission, isn't dateable nor interested? He made it clear from the start when you asked him out that he didn't see a match. How is that playing by dating rules only he knows? Sure, the rejection hurts. Yet he was honest, and I've lost count of the women who have told me throughout the years, "Why couldn't he just tell me he wasn't interested?"

Well, Bob did, but you didn't want to hear it. So what's a guy supposed to do? He's in a serious relationship now. Leave him alone, stop using Facebook to check his status, and stop analyzing why he's doing whatever he's doing. In Getting Past Your Breakup, Susan J. Elliot wisely suggests that each time you think of an ex (in this case, a man you're attached to that hasn't reciprocated) you say to yourself, "It doesn't matter, it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter." Because really, he doesn't matter. You do.

Its time to start prioritizing your needs, not some man's that you barely know. Break your bad love habits, and find some new ways to feel good. After a few weeks, you'll forget completely about Bob and will have a better relationship with yourself to offer someone new.

Related: Relationship Expectations, Am I Ready To Date Again?, Dealing with Unfinished Business, When Not To Date.

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The Disappearing Date

We've all had it happen: you go out on a date with someone, things go exceptionally well, and then you never hear from them again.

What went wrong? Depending on how you view the world (and the date), it could go a few different ways: Maybe he/she got into a car accident on the way home? I should send them an email to make sure all is well. Wow, I really liked him/her. I can't wait to talk to them again! Hm, its been three days? I should check their Facebook status and see what's going on.I can't believe he/she didn't get in touch with me yet. I sent them lots of emails/called several times/stopped by their work. Why are they ignoring me? Maybe I'll send another email just to be sure they got the other ones.Ah, it happens. Maybe they were just grinning and bearing it and I was too focused on myself to notice.Hm. They weren't interested? Surprising, they seemed really into me at the time. Ah well, maybe there's something else going on that I don't know about.Thanks for sparing me the heartache and time, wondering what if? Now I know, and I can invest my time in other folks who are either really are into me, or who are more polite to let me know they aren't interested.

Of course, there are other possible variations - as many as there are people. So, you tell me. What's a *good* reason for disappearing after a date? When is it okay? And in turn, when is it not? Has someone ever disappeared after a date with you? What happened, and why do you think it went down that way?

Related: Bad Date Stories, Why Are They Online If They Don't Want To Date?, Why Won't He Date Me?, When He Says He Doesn't Want a Relationship,

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Why Are They Online If They Don't Want To Date?

In the dating forums, a reader asks: "Why is it that when i eamil women onlie,most don't even give me the courtesy of a "no,thanks?"I've emailed or winked at hundreds of women,but hardly anyone responds.I compliment them and tell them that i'd like to get to know them better.

Nothing... what is with these ladies?why are they online if they don't want to date?"

Its not that we don't want to date. Its probably one of several reasons: The dating site you're on doesn't purge their database regularly, so folks could be long gone and you'll never know (this is most of the major dating sites BTW);
The profiles are merely dummy profiles, i.e. dating scammers or smaller sites trying to pump up their numbers;
The women are overwhelmed with responses and can't reply to everyone. When I first signed onto a dating site, I received no less than 100 people contacting me a DAY. There was no way I could say, "Thanks but no thanks," to everyone;
Keeping the last one in mind, when there are a lot of people contacting a woman, they have to use some sort of method to weed folks out easily. Spelling, grammar or typing mistakes are usually the first things they notice, and thus, rarely get a response.
Another way of weeding out lots of online suitors is to see if the person has really taken the time to look at their profile and reply with something that seems genuine and interested. If all you're doing is copying and pasting the same, "Hey, you seem cool, wanna talk?" to all of the women you are contacting, then you're unlikely to get a response.

Several dating sites have posted their reply rates, meaning, how often people receive a reply to their first email. 1-3% is normal, anything more than 5% is excellent. Sad, I know - but if you really hear what I'm saying, you can easily increase your response rates by really reading someone's profile, commenting or joking about something they've mentioned, and making the email personal. I'd also take a look at your dating profile, as there may be something in it that's turning women off from replying to you.

Related: Why Am I Not Getting Responses To My Dating Profile?, Dating Profile Don'ts, How To Write a Dating Profile.

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New Dating Sites

Every week, dating site owners submit their dating sites to our database. Here's this week's roundup.

Mystical Matches
Free online dating site.

OrientBrides
Introduction service for oriental women and the men who'd like to marry them.

Africabeauties
Introduction service for American men looking to meet African women.

MyOneNight Stand.co.uk
Free adult dating service.

Set For Marriage
Online matrimonial site with matchmaking questionnaire.

Agence Rencontre Celibataire
Free French language dating site.

Have you used one of these dating sites? Then review it! Reader dating site reviews.

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Do I Need To Tweak My Dating Profile To Meet Women?

I had an interesting conversation with a man the other day, who asked me why he was struggling so much to meet women. He's using (among other sites) OkCupid to find a match, and he was frustrated in his high Enemy rating of 40%+ with most of the women on the site. For those who aren't familiar, OkCupid is primarily a quiz-based or matchmaking dating site, where users can create their own compatibility questions, and other users take them. Each profile has a Match, Friend and Enemy rating that is compared with other users to show (supposedly) how well they'd get along. The more questions you answer, I find, the more accurate the matching mechanisms.

So this gent had an issue. His Enemy rating was uncharacteristically high, and he still wanted to meet a woman to date. Honestly, truly, really, just date. Not friends with benefits, but no sort of serious commitment either; he's just starting his own business and can't invest what he feels is the necessary time required into anything else at the moment. Casual dating was the term he used, and I understood his definition of it.

I looked at said gent's dating profile, and immediately noticed that there were two aspects that seemed skewed: his religious beliefs and his sexual needs. Both showed him as being very conservative, even though nothing on his profile foretold a glimmer of either. In fact, after speaking with him at length I found the man to be open-minded, intelligent, engaging, and a big flirt -- not at all what I'd expect from someone who (a) wanted to date casually, and (b) considered himself to be "Mr. Vanilla".

Next, I ventured more into why he didn't feel his compatibility questions matched who he truly is. His explanation:

"I socialize with very few people from my religion. Most of my close friends - not associates, but closest kin - are not of my faith. I am only tight with a handful from my faith. I prefer choosing my companions based on intelligence, wit, humor and integrity. With sex, well I know that I am Mr. Vanilla, the boring guy, yet none of my player bros ever held that against me, neither do my gay buds, bisexual friends, nor lesbian comrades. Sure I don't fit in with the same sexual vibe, but none of that has ever meant anything with how we hung out."

Which for me, explained everything; the questions on OkCupid didn't adequately measure his tolerance for other folks and their beliefs/opinions/experiences, but rather, merely how he feel at the time he answered them. Not wanting a commitment may also be a large factor as well; most of the women I speak with that use online dating sites are looking for one.

I also believe that sexual preferences/needs/desires are a huge factor in compatibility, so again, this may be why his numbers are skewed in that direction. OkCupid is a dating site, and therefore, sex would rate higher (for most women) than it would if it were a friends-only zone. For those that are looking just for friends with benefits? Well, I'd hazard that the sexual compatibilities would be even more important.

Maybe success in meeting women will require a shift in thinking for him then. Maybe saying, "No commitments for me right now," is too black and white. More of a, "I've got a lot on my plate and don't have a lot of time for a normal relationship, but it is my ultimate goal at some point. Yet if I meet someone amazing, I'm sure I could find room for her in my life," would be more fitting -- because if a woman is to be a potential life partner, then it would only stand to reason that she'd understand, accept and even embrace his dreams, goals and aspirations as they stand.

What do you think? Is there some more tweaking this gentleman should do, or is he on the right track? Have you ever been in a similar position? How did you handle it?

Related: Why Am I Not Getting Responses To My Dating Profile?, Free Dating Profile Help, Online Dating How To.

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Would You Tweet a Flirt?

I'm catching up a bit this week with some older dating news, looking at what's new and unique in the dating world. One of the ideas that caught my attention is a Canadian-based service called Flitter, run by speed dating company Fast Life. A play on words (flirt and Twitter), singles attend an in-person event where they wear a number prominently and send Twitter-like messages via cell phone to a large screen in the middle of the meeting place for all to see. Messages are sent anonymously or with the sender's number attached.

I can't seem to find a website for the company, nor can I locate any events past February-ish of this year. Still, for the tech-savvy singles market, it might provide a unique way to break the ice -- although I could see it going both ways depending on how eagerly the attendees embrace the concept.

What do you think? Would you attend a Flitter event to meet someone? Why or why not?

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Reader Dating Stories - What's New

A roundup of this week's reader stories:

Definition of Pansexuality shared by Pantard (Share Your Definition of Pansexuality)
"To me, its about feelings."

Flirty Text Messages shared by ohhhhhboy (Share Your Best Flirty Text Messages)
"By special do you mean beautiful?"

How I Knew I Was In Love shared by Deanna (Share Your Falling in Love Story)
"He told me that everything he wished for he had right in his arms."

Flirty Text Messages shared by Amelia (Share Your Best Flirty Text Messages)
"Your tongue tastes like the sweetest and ripest strawberries..."

... and a few reader reviews:

Ashley Madison Review shared by Terry (Write a Review of Ashley Madison)
"With over 65 messages sent you think you would get quite a few negative replies out of pure courtesy and good manners. But not one..."

KissCafe Review shared by Armanali (Write a Review of Kiss Cafe)
"Its good site...and best thing about it its free."

Ashley Madison Review shared by Straightuphard (Write a Review of Ashley Madison)
"Consider it a bad internet strip club..."

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Dating Question About Trust in New Relationships

Tina asks: "A guy I've been dating has just told me he loves me (3 days ago). Today I get a call asking if I know about computers. I called back and said no, not really. He tells me his computer is not working, someone in has "hacked" it and I was the only person in the house! I told him I would never do that. He won't believe me."

Thanks for your dating question Tina. It's simple but a good one, because it covers how much you can trust someone early on in a relationship - a concern that comes up often with readers just like you.

First, some basic information. A person does not need to be in your house to hack a computer. It's much more common for hackers to target folks through the internet, and that's not even touching upon the rampant viruses, trojans and other nasties one can attract just by surfing the web or clicking on a link. Accusing you of hacking seems odd, and tells me that your partner doesn't know a lot about how these sorts of things work. About.com's Guide to the Net for Beginners has a huge category devoted to such information and discussions: Viruses, Spyware, Hacking, Scams and Identity Theft and an excellent article on the topic called, "Help! I Think I've Been Hacked!"

Now, you can't change your partner's behavior or how he reacts to his computer falling prey to a hacker. If he doesn't believe you, there isn't much you can do to convince him.

It's time for you to review your relationship. Just because the man said he loves you doesn't mean that he trusts you (unfortunately) - and his actions are saying either he doesn't trust you, is paranoid, or both. A loving partner might get upset considering the circumstances, and they may even get mad at you and accuse you - but love means listening to your partner and hearing what they are saying. Most reasonable folks, after calming down a bit, would realize their accusation unwarranted and apologize. From the sounds of it your partner isn't.

You need to ask yourself some difficult questions now, ones that involve how you feel and what you want. Do you want to be with someone who automatically assumes you want to do harm to him? Can you continue a relationship with a person that doesn't trust or believe you? If he doesn't trust you now - three days after professing his love for you - when will he? Can he? Is this trust issue really about you, or are the walls finally coming down and his true self shining through?

I can't answer these questions for you because I don't have enough information - but you must. Convincing your partner that you're trustworthy isn't the answer here, but rather focusing on yourself and your needs, and whether or not your guy is the guy to provide them.

What say you dear readers? What would you do in this situation? Do you have a suggestion for Tina?

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Reader Dating Stories - What's New

A roundup of this week's reader stories:

Definition of Pansexuality shared by Pantard (Share Your Definition of Pansexuality)
"To me, its about feelings."

Flirty Text Messages shared by ohhhhhboy (Share Your Best Flirty Text Messages)
"By special do you mean beautiful?"

How I Knew I Was In Love shared by Deanna (Share Your Falling in Love Story)
"He told me that everything he wished for he had right in his arms."

Flirty Text Messages shared by Amelia (Share Your Best Flirty Text Messages)
"Your tongue tastes like the sweetest and ripest strawberries..."

... and a few reader reviews:

Ashley Madison Review shared by Terry (Write a Review of Ashley Madison)
"With over 65 messages sent you think you would get quite a few negative replies out of pure courtesy and good manners. But not one..."

KissCafe Review shared by Armanali (Write a Review of Kiss Cafe)
"Its good site...and best thing about it its free."

Ashley Madison Review shared by Straightuphard (Write a Review of Ashley Madison)
"Consider it a bad internet strip club..."

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My 'Perfect Guy' Wants Someone Else Dating Question

Kristen asks: "For the past month I've been dating the perfect guy for me (who also happens to be my ex boyfriends friend...). Well he just told me he can't see me anymore because within the past week he has started talking to his ex fiance again! They've been broken up for 3 years and during that time she has been nothing but malicious towards him and done whatever she could to spite him! I don't understand why this is happening now?! He tells me how much he likes me, but that he's already been through everything with her! I want to know from your past experience, does getting back together with an ex work? Do I still have a chance with this guy?"

I've answered Kristen's question (see: My Perfect Guy Wants Someone Else), but I'm curious as to what you all think. Is there a chance of Kristen and her boyfriend getting back together, or is she better off on her own?

Related: Why Won't He Be My Boyfriend?, Is He Afraid of Commitment?, Getting Back Together With an Ex.

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Reader Stories - What's New

Here's a roundup of this week's reader stories:

Jenny's Love Story (Share Your Love Story)
"Talking to someone on the phone for over 8 years can help you to really know them at such a deep level."

Why a Good Dating Picture Matters shared by TheOnlineDater (Share Your Bad Date Story)
"He seemed well written - well spoken and had kind of an artsy picture of himself taken under the Manhattan bridge. The trick was in the 'artsy" part."

Long Distance Relationship Tip shared by Monica (Share Your Long Distance Relationship Tips)
"Every week, I make my boyfriend 3 x 2 artist trading card with some memento from our relationship."

Flirty Text Message shared by Morgan (Share Your Flirty Text Message Ideas)
"You look a lot like my first husband..."

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