Halloween Dating

I love Halloween and look forward to it every year. An excuse to dress up and act silly, with a built-in reason to talk to strangers? (i.e. asking someone about their costume) In my mind, it doesn't get much more exciting than that.

Still, it can be a bit stressful to either come up with a unique and fun Halloween date idea or a costume that's appropriate for the two of you [See: Halloween Costume Ideas for Couples]. And what about those of us singles on the hunt for someone interesting? Attracting attention is the first step in the five phases of courtship.

So even though you've got just under two weeks to go, it's time to start thinking about what you'll be doing this Halloween either solo or with your sweetie. What's your plan?

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Is Dating an Admitted Alcoholic a Good Idea?

Lindsay asks: "I just met this guy who seems perfect on paper. Four dates into what seemed like a fairytale and he told me that he's a recovering alcoholic. He goes to AA meetings every week and says he hasn't had a drop to drink in three years. I don't want to throw something amazing away... he really does seem perfect. But I'm not sure I want to get involved with an alcoholic even if he's admitted it. Help?"

In a nutshell: I think it depends on your situation. Notice I say your situation and not the man you're dating. Why? Because the only person you can control or change is you. I don't know your history, nor am I aware if you or another family member has ever struggled with an addiction. But many, many folks who were raised in families where alcohol was a problem find that they are attracted to alcoholics in their romantic relationships. Or, they attract people where alcohol (or drugs, abuse, narcotics) are issues. Now this isn't always the case, and I'm also not saying that any of this is your fault. Its not. But it is something to be think about, be aware of, and act upon if its a theme in your life.

Dating someone with any sort of illness isn't easy, but the first step is the same: educate yourself. Learn everything you can, see how your date's alcoholism may affect you, and seek out preemptive support for when it does. Give it a few weeks or even months to make a decision to determine if dating an alcoholic is something you can do, or if its a deal breaker for you.

What say you, dear readers? Would you date an alcoholic? Have you? Are you an alcoholic? What factors should Lindsay take into account, and what do you recommend?

Related: Why Do I Need Help? He's the Alcoholic!, Al-Anon, Detachment.

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Unfriending the Ex

Essence Magazine recently ran a story about 'unfriending' the ex on Facebook - but the suggestion is easily made for all social networking sites - suggesting that after a breakup, there's no reason to stay in touch with your ex. (See Digital Dating: 10 Reasons to Un-Friend the Ex)

The articles focuses (in my opinion) on younger women struggling with their breakups, and uses words like 'stalking' and 'stupid' - neither of which I find terribly helpful. Still, the the piece has some merits, most notably the idea that when a relationship ends its time to sever all ties, including the virtual ones.

Why? Think about it for a bit. How often do you check your ex's status, updates, new friends and/or photos? How much energy are you still investing into the relationship by staying 'friends' online? How can you possibly move on, when you're reminded regularly of what he or she is doing now, who they are with, if they are dating already, or any other situation that can potentially send you for a tailspin?

Read over that last paragraph again, and note how much of the focus is on your ex and not on you. It may take a few reminders, but let's say this all together: the most important person in your life is you. Its time to take those words to heart and live your life with that idea in mind.

Therefore, unfriending the ex is a good thing because it gives you that time and energy back to focus on your own needs and wants. As Susan Elliot shared on her Getting Past Your Past blog just the other day, "...the ex's behavior DOES NOT MATTER. What they're thinking, or doing, or who they are with or not with... DOES NOT MATTER. In the end it doesn't because you can't change it." (See Pick Your Poison for more). Ms. Elliot, as I find with most of what she's written, is bang on. Sever the ties, and stop investing the energy.

I read somewhere not that long ago that we get over our breakups when we invest the energy we used to spend on the former relationship into new and exciting things. Things that are just for us and no one else, things, that support and nurture us, things that make us laugh and interact with new people. So I urge all of you looking for a reason to unfriend the ex to just do it, and then invest all of that time you'd have spent otherwise seeing what he or she is up to into something new, exciting and utterly fantastic that's just for you.

Related: Does Facebook Create Jealous People?, Feel Good After a Breakup, How I Got Over a Bad Breakup.

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Reader Dating Stories - What's New

A roundup of this week's reader stories:

Definition of Pansexuality shared by Pantard (Share Your Definition of Pansexuality)
"To me, its about feelings."

Flirty Text Messages shared by ohhhhhboy (Share Your Best Flirty Text Messages)
"By special do you mean beautiful?"

How I Knew I Was In Love shared by Deanna (Share Your Falling in Love Story)
"He told me that everything he wished for he had right in his arms."

Flirty Text Messages shared by Amelia (Share Your Best Flirty Text Messages)
"Your tongue tastes like the sweetest and ripest strawberries..."

... and a few reader reviews:

Ashley Madison Review shared by Terry (Write a Review of Ashley Madison)
"With over 65 messages sent you think you would get quite a few negative replies out of pure courtesy and good manners. But not one..."

KissCafe Review shared by Armanali (Write a Review of Kiss Cafe)
"Its good site...and best thing about it its free."

Ashley Madison Review shared by Straightuphard (Write a Review of Ashley Madison)
"Consider it a bad internet strip club..."

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Are There Any Legitimate Adult Dating Sites Out There?

Stephen asks: "I am trying to find a 'real' adult dating site. It seems all that I have come across do not have real/true information... as if it has been hyped to get you to join. Amateur Match is one for sure. The people on there either do not exist or are trumped up. I sent the company an email to complain, but they didn't reply. And when I clicked on a picture, the city and/or state changed to someplace nearby... what a scam. There has to be a legitimate adult dating site out there. Help?"

Hi Stephen, and thanks to my colleague Cory Silverberg (About.com's Guide to Sexuality) for sending you my way. To answer your question: it depends on what you mean by legitimate. Are you looking for an adult dating site that caters to adult encounters or casual sex, that isn't full of scammers or fake profiles? If that's the case, I'll admit its pretty hard to find. My first recommendation would be to try Lavalife's Intimate Encounters section; you sign up with them and then decide which of the three sections you want to be a part of (Dating, Relationships or Intimate Encounters). You can use different handles in each section under the same account too, so no one will be any wiser if you want to advertise for one thing in one place without ruining your chances for something more should it come up.

Its pretty hard for any site these days (especially the big ones) to stop fake profiles and scammers from signing up, but I think I get what you're after. There are a lot of adult dating sites that don't have a lot of users, or use sneaky marketing tactics like the bait and switch you're referring to. We've all seen them - the ads show a bevvy of beautiful women in your area, but when you sign up, you realize that the women were just ads that were geographically targeted to your search preferences.

After Lavalife, I only know of four others that are worth mentioning: Club Intimate, Fling, Adult Match Doctor and Sexy Ads. The last one I haven't actually reviewed fully, but the site owners took the time to add a profile on this site. Adult dating sites I don't recommend? ShagPal and Adult Friend Finder.

So dear readers: have you used an adult dating site that you can recommend, or want to warn other users about? Here's the form to fill out for either situation.

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Using Craigslist To Meet People

I've used online dating services almost since their inception when I've been single and wanted to meet someone. I started as a geeky girl in demand when there were few of us online, and from that a sort of elitist mentally spawned: online dating sites were fine, but I drew the line at the classifieds and chat rooms. For many years I've clung to this unspoken yet firmly entrenched rule of mine, and many of my friends have as well. Clients that have used Craigslist to meet people were few and far between, so I wasn't asked for advice on the subject often.

Fast forward to a few days ago, when I realized I've been single for some time and would like to start dating again. How should I meet people that I could potentially date? Sure, I can review my own list of places to meet people (and did), but I wanted to try something different. Something I'd never done before, something that might help me encounter folks I wouldn't meet otherwise, something totally out of character. A girlfriend of mine suggested Craigslist. My first reaction was to laugh, and then... well why not?

I wrote up a short blurb explaining where I was at and what I was looking for, as well as what I have to offer someone else. A quick proofread and a few mouse clicks later, my Craigslist ad was live. Would anyone reply? Would people make fun of me? How many inappropriate photos would I get? Would safe dating be an issue?

It didn't take long for the first people to answer, and I was surprised with their candor and intelligence. Yes, I did receive a few undesirable responses (which were immediately put in my spam folder so I never heard from them again), and a dating scam offer or two. Many were considerably older than what I'd expressly stated a preference for, and some were honest with their want for casual dating only. One gent sent a nasty note when I didn't reply in a timely manner, and one email was from a good friend (we shared a few laughs over that one).

All in all though, the experience was better than I'd hoped for. Its success is still pending, but if meeting new people was my only goal, Craigslist provided me with more positive interactions and opportunities than any online dating site has in years. If things don't work out with any of the Craigslist folks, maybe I'll try something even more out of my comfort zone in a few weeks' time.

But what about you? Have you used Craigslist to meet people? Why or why not? Are you concerned about safety, who will contact you, privacy or how it will come across to your friends/family?

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New Dating Sites for the Week of July 7th, 2010

Every week, dating site owners submit their dating sites to our database. Here's this week's roundup.

FleshPimp
Free adult dating site.

Interracial Socializing
Pay-per-use dating site focusing on singles wanting a relationship with someone of a different race.

Limenice
Bulgarian-language dating site, soon to be an international dating site.

Millionaire Cougar
Niche dating site specializing in rich women who like younger men, or rich men wanting younger women.

Amolatina
International dating site focusing on Latin singles.

Positive Dating Personals
For singles with a sexually transmitted disease, or those who don't mind dating someone who has one.

FussyOnes
Totally free dating site.

Ukrainian Brides
Matrimonial dating site for primarily men wanting to marry a Ukrainian woman.

Hit This Now Network
What looks to be an adult dating site with a strong social networking twist.

Military Hotspot
Niche dating site specializing in members of the military and the folks who want to meet them for a date.

Have you used one of these dating sites? Then review it! Reader dating site reviews.

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October One of Busiest Months for Dating

... or at least, according to Opposites Connect CEO, Larry Wilson. A recent email from one of his staff shared:

"Maybe it's because the holiday season is approaching and mistletoe is looking grimmer than ever. Truth is, the Winter season online dating sees a spike in first dates because bad weather motivates singles to get out of the house in the evening time."

I'm not sure if I agree with this statement, and thus why I'm sharing it with all of you. Yes, online dating sites do see a spike in October, although January and February are the hottest of the hot spots. October, to me, is the month to meet folks because of Halloween and all of its costumed festivities - a built-in ice breaker for even the most shy amongst us. And yes, many singles aren't fond of navigating the holidays without a partner in tow, so the increase makes double sense. But the weather? That's not something I've considered.

What do you think readers? Why do dating sites see increases in their user base in October? Why do you think October is one of the busiest months for dating?

Related: Halloween Costumes for Singles, Couples Halloween Costumes.

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Are You in a Healthy Relationship?

Some days, I get a kick out of how many dating questions revolve around whether or not a relationship is viable, healthy or just plain wrong. Others, like the day when I created the Healthy Relationship Quiz, I wonder how many of us actually know what a healthy relationship is, what it looks like in reality, and how to tell when we're in the thick of it.

On paper its easy to tell: healthy means mutual respect, love and caring without abuse, codependency or drama. But we're all human, and sometimes its a tad difficult to tell the difference between being worked on and red flag territory.

So what's your definition of a healthy relationship? What muddies the waters for you, if anything?

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Dating Reality Shows - Would You Go On One To Meet Someone?

Other than my fascination with Dating in the Dark, I've pretty much avoided dating reality shows. I'm aware that there are a slew to choose from (Momma's Boys, The Bachelor, Farmer Wants a Wife), but beyond that I rarely follow what's going on.

Yet today a news piece caught my eye about the most recent Bachelor couple, Jake Pavelka and Vienna Girardi. Their three month long courtship ended and the breakup just announced a few days ago, and now the ex's are slated to be on one more Bachelor episode. Which lead me to think: how many dating reality show couples actually make it to a long term relationship or marriage?

I could only find a select few that were still together six months to a year after their shows aired, although surprisingly, the data was really hard to come by either way. Still, dating reality shows are big business, and they don't seem to be slowing down in terms of numbers, viewership, or new ideas slated for airing.

So then let me ask you, dear readers: would you go on a dating reality show to meet new people? Why or why not? Would it depend on the type of show - guaranteed to meet someone like Elimidate, or fend for yourself like Flavor of Love? Do you think lasting, true love is possible if the beginnings of the relationship started in front of an audience?

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The Busiest Online Dating Cities This Summer...

... according to Match.com that is. I received a note from their PR folks the other day, showing some stats about which US cities were heating up their system via winks, emails and chats for the past few months. They are: Miami, FLNew York, NYLos Angeles, CAChicago, ILWashington, DCDallas, TXSan Diego, CAPhoenix, AZBoston, MAHouston, TX

Do you live in one of these cities, and have you noticed more singles online and making contact this summer? Or do you disagree with this list, and feel that other locations were overlooked and deserve closer review?

Related: Projected Online Dating Growth to 2012, Top US City for Being Single in 2009.

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What To Do When an Ex Comes Back?

You broke up. Years passed, and both of you moved on. Occasionally a reminder pops up of the time spent together, but for the most part there's no contact.

Then, one day out of the blue, the ex says hi. Maybe you ran into each other on the street, he found you on Facebook, she sent you an email. They ask, "How are you doing?" and, "Maybe we could catch up sometime."

For many, fear sets in. Do I want to see this person? What could they possibly want? Is a reconciliation possible? Are they getting married? Do I really want to bring all those old feelings, memories, back up again?

It's a tough decision to meet with an ex, depending on how the relationship ended and how much time has passed since its demise. I've heard all sorts of stories: High school sweethearts that haven't seen each other in 30 years, who meet again at a reunion and by the time dessert is served have already chosen their wedding date;A couple breaks up because one has to move far away, just to find themselves next door neighbors in a completely different town four years later;Two people share one great date but circumstances don't allow for another. Seven years later, one contacts the other on Facebook, asking for meet up number two.

When readers and clients ask me if they should either contact an ex or reply to contact from an ex, my answer depends on the nature of the relationship and how much time has elapsed. But the stories above prove that sometimes, the rules aren't worth following and connection has its own time line. So what do you think? If an ex contacted you, would you reply? Is there an ex that you want to make contact with again? If you've had an ex contact you, or if you've already done the contacting, how did it go?

Related: Getting Back Together With an Ex, How To Get Your Ex Lover Back Book Review, Does She Miss Me After the Breakup?

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When Life Decides the 'Should I Get Married?' Question

To me, dating is about getting to know someone to see if you're compatible for a longer term relationship (see The Definition of Dating for more). So it would make sense that eventually, dating couples would either take their relationship to the next level or end it.

In today's society however dating couples are the norm, not the exception. Most folks living together are doing so out of wedlock (according to stats from several North American countries), and our definition of what a relationship is has changed dramatically.

Still, folks are getting engaged and subsequently marrying - and sometimes, that choice comes when life throws a wrench into your plans.

I've been watching the news obsessively about the trapped Chilean miners, and have watched the footage of them slowly being raised to the earth's surface one by one. I'm moved to tears constantly and inspired by their bravery and zest for life. Two of the miners caught my attention more so than others: Esteban Rojas and Claudio Yanez. Why? Because both men were content with their unusually long term dating relationships before their ordeal (25 years and 11 years respectively), and both proposed to their girlfriends upon rescue.

I don't wish the Chilean miner's situation upon anyone, but I do wonder: if all of us were placed in a similar position tomorrow, would we change our dating relationships?

Related: First of the Trapped Miners in Chile Brought to Surface, Should I Take This Relationship To the Next Level or End It?

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